Relationships

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Keeping your cool be reminded that arguments are not about winning rather they are about finding concrete solutions
Did you know that in the heat of an argument, a hurtful remark could cause undetected damage in a relationship in the years to follow? In trying to resolve arguments, you must constantly be willing to work towards unravelling the core problem and arriving at a practical solution. Otherwise, the pain of realising a problem without a solution will only deepen and prolong to unnecessary lengths. If you are still reading this then your arguments have probably been playing like a broken record for the longest time. So what can you do about it? Firstly, you would need to shatter certain illusions that form unhealthy arguments. The true cause of an argument can be easily revealed and maintained through a process of pure simplification... Do not bring up unrelated issues in a current argument as taking wild stabs will only confuse matters even further. Bringing up past victories to warrant your judgment on the current issue is an act of cowardice. Each case has to be supported by its own merit. Diverting and confusing a partner into submitting to defeat in despair may present you with a false sense of self worth before you have to bully someone else into defeat to feel good again(Many couples go through this charade repetitively. This is called beating around the bush!) In any dispute we are seeking for concrete solutions, not to win arguments! The need to win in an argument is only a symptom of the problem within a relationship. Let's get real! You must realise that most arguments stem from the unfulfilled needs of a respective partner. We all have needs. Desires are real and deserve to be validated. Now that we are through fooling around with symptoms, the second thing to do is to find out what it is that your partner wants and if you are able to help them realise it. (NOTE: We need a lot of honesty and sensibility here. You may have a partner who has an unreasonably high level of expections. On the other hand, you may be with someone who expects you to deliver within a ridiculous time frame. This person is likely to be needing guidance in achieving their own goals. Either ways, if it gets too hot to handle, then the likelihood is that you are seriously mismatched or to put it more precisely, un-timely matched! Go find someone with a more compatible aim or someone who is more patient that will allow you grace in achieving your goals.) For those of you whose spirits are not dampened by the last paragraph you may be up and ready for the challenge. If that's the case then rest assured that in the majority of such cases, these expectations which you have set are realistically within reach. The CATCH - You have to realise the power of Time & Resource.
TIME Without using this factor as an excuse to slack, make aware to them that time is essential in the achievement of any goal. Given that their expectations matches yours, assure them that you are aware and focused on achieving that goal. Let them know that you will need their support in not applying too much pressure on you. On your part, be aware that although time is essential, it also takes constant pressure in the right direction to be able to make any notable changes in your life. RESOURCES This is the most crucial part. Most of us are more than willing to advance with the ones we love. We are confident to assure others of our ability to deliver our part of the bargain as long as things are smooth sailing and that we are doing good time. The problem arises when we come to a roadblock that we are unable to find a way around. This marks the beginning of arguments and often is the real issue underlining most problems. In any relationship, here is where it is important for us to learn to open up and be honest in letting our partner know of our difficulties in delivering what is expected of us. Bear in mind that, expressing our difficulties is just a way to keep them informed on what is going on in our lives. We do this to keep our partner re-assured that we haven't lost(unconsciously re-directed) our direction in life or got caught up in a whirlwind of escapism due to difficulties in overcoming some major roadblock. By sharing, you allow your partner to know where you stand in the partnership and how to work with or without you if need be. You will also be able to brainstorm together and find possible sources to approach for informative solutions. Staying informed will keep them from playing the guessing game which often creates false insecurities. Sometimes even though you are consistently communicating your visions, you cannot expect your partners to provide you with a path of least-resistance and go as you plan as they may not have any understanding or knowledge of the particular field that you are endeavoring or the angle that you are exploring. Moreover, everyone has a varying degree of basic problem solving methods depending on the understanding abilities and communication skills that they are equipped with. Until you figure out how to apply yourself on that level of communication, you are best limited to a code of silence. (a situation where {mis}communication can cause more harm than good.) In this case, let them know that we are not shutting them out but rather taking time out to seek and cultivate some answers in yourself. . So far we have established the need to stay focused on finding a solution instead of blind stabbing... We have stressed the validity of understanding your partner's needs. We have discussed the possibility of a solution to every roadblock with the correct resource. Finally we maintain that implementation can prove fruitful given time in cultivation. All that we have done is to encourage that fact that patiently living in faith and hope, with a little bit of dilligence in doing intelligent research can solve many disputes/difficulties. It also saves more time in the long run, by providing more permanent practical solutions as compared to the beating around the bush method. We will explore the topic of Overcoming Roadblocks together by creating and cultivating deeper understanding abilities and equipping you with more efficient problem solving and communication skill in the another issue. If you have read this far, I hope that you will find some faith in being able to smoothen things out. Meanwhile, when in a dispute, always be honest about each other's needs, and faithfully work towards understanding, constructing and realising it together or apart with patience. Respect time apart and together as it calls for and things will work itself out. - Note: This also applies in work partnerships. -